I still carry around a lot of baggage. Hurts, resentments, pain from past lives, past places I was in the journey. I try to put it all down. I know I need to. The only person who I hurt with this baggage is me. So, I write to try to process and put the baggage down.
I carry a lot of scars from childhood. I was a sensitive child who tried to be "good." My mom is in her way a wonderful person, but she was not the best mother for my personality. I am proud of her independence and drive. She was a married career woman with children long before people even thought of such things. But, I was the oldest child, a girl and mom admits she saw me as a rival for my father's attention. So, she got back at me in subtle and in obvious ways. I learned to fight back in subtle ways and I learned to fear making mom angry or letting experiences in life cause her anger. Had she been an alcoholic, I would have been an enabler. To this day I shudder when she is angry and upset by something. And I shouldn't be fearful of her anger. Things don't always go her way or my way or anybody else's way. Life presents challenges. It is her job to process her own anger.
That is one of the bags I am trying to put down. I take excellent care of my mother today. But, I am not her servant. Recently she sent me home with ancient underwear with very little fabric holding it together commanding I sew it up for her. It would take hours and still not be a very good job. Mom has plenty of money and can easily buy some new underwear, but she prefers to be taken care of by me. After doing a slow burn and considering ways the underwear could be repaired, I have decided to go out and buy some new for her. I know that this won't make her happy. It might make her mad. But, I am in control of myself. I am resposible for myself. Mom can't make me do that mending. If she throws a fit, so be it. Life doesn't always give you roses, sometimes it gives you lemons, or even new underwear. You just have to learn to accept it.
I carry a lot of scars from childhood. I was a sensitive child who tried to be "good." My mom is in her way a wonderful person, but she was not the best mother for my personality. I am proud of her independence and drive. She was a married career woman with children long before people even thought of such things. But, I was the oldest child, a girl and mom admits she saw me as a rival for my father's attention. So, she got back at me in subtle and in obvious ways. I learned to fight back in subtle ways and I learned to fear making mom angry or letting experiences in life cause her anger. Had she been an alcoholic, I would have been an enabler. To this day I shudder when she is angry and upset by something. And I shouldn't be fearful of her anger. Things don't always go her way or my way or anybody else's way. Life presents challenges. It is her job to process her own anger.
That is one of the bags I am trying to put down. I take excellent care of my mother today. But, I am not her servant. Recently she sent me home with ancient underwear with very little fabric holding it together commanding I sew it up for her. It would take hours and still not be a very good job. Mom has plenty of money and can easily buy some new underwear, but she prefers to be taken care of by me. After doing a slow burn and considering ways the underwear could be repaired, I have decided to go out and buy some new for her. I know that this won't make her happy. It might make her mad. But, I am in control of myself. I am resposible for myself. Mom can't make me do that mending. If she throws a fit, so be it. Life doesn't always give you roses, sometimes it gives you lemons, or even new underwear. You just have to learn to accept it.