Eleven years ago I named this blog "Hope Echoes." They say that you write what you need to hear. I am not sure who says it, maybe nobody. If not, I will say, "I wrote what I needed to hear." I needed hope. As a believer, that is the conundrum, I had hope in eternity, but my life felt pretty bleak.
I am living proof that you can be residing in the same house with someone, even sleeping in the same bed and still feel utterly and completely alone. I came to desire to be left alone, because there was little togetherness and there was a lot of criticism and a great number of demands. I felt like a failure. I was told over and over again that I was not a "normal woman" whatever that is supposed to mean. I was criticized for my lack of experience with men before marriage, I was criticized for my career, for my looks, for my driving, and on and on. The problem with me was, I took it to heart. I tried to change, but it was never enough. Never.
So, I became depressed. I knew it, but what could I do about it? I read books, tried counseling. I prayed really hard. I got really involved at church, at my career, at quilting, at anything to give me satisfaction, joy, a sense of accomplishment. Theses things helped, for a minute. Then life would happen and someone would let me know that I never lost enough weight, never looked good in a bikini, was not desirable. And when problems arose with cars, or locks, or who knows what, I got the blame. I took the blame.
Looking back from my now happy comfortable life, I realize I should have walked out a long time ago. I should have stood up for myself and not stood for the abuse. But, I had insecurities and low self-esteem and I believed that divorce was a sin. So, I tried and I tried, but I was the little engine that couldn't. I was depressed with no way out. Until I hit bottom, found a counselor who "got" me and encouraged me not to give up but to figure out what I wanted and go for that. And I did. I got over my fear of divorce. I was encouraged to think that maybe I could get an annulment.
Two plus years ago after a long painful divorce during which every pain that could be inflicted on me was, I started over in this hopeful, happy life with the birth of my un-marriage. Where I sit right now is that I am denied the annulment, but I wasn't planning on getting married again anyway. I tried. The best thing is, I can truly say in my life right now, "Hope Echoes." I have found hope and I am beginning to share it with the world.
I am living proof that you can be residing in the same house with someone, even sleeping in the same bed and still feel utterly and completely alone. I came to desire to be left alone, because there was little togetherness and there was a lot of criticism and a great number of demands. I felt like a failure. I was told over and over again that I was not a "normal woman" whatever that is supposed to mean. I was criticized for my lack of experience with men before marriage, I was criticized for my career, for my looks, for my driving, and on and on. The problem with me was, I took it to heart. I tried to change, but it was never enough. Never.
So, I became depressed. I knew it, but what could I do about it? I read books, tried counseling. I prayed really hard. I got really involved at church, at my career, at quilting, at anything to give me satisfaction, joy, a sense of accomplishment. Theses things helped, for a minute. Then life would happen and someone would let me know that I never lost enough weight, never looked good in a bikini, was not desirable. And when problems arose with cars, or locks, or who knows what, I got the blame. I took the blame.
Looking back from my now happy comfortable life, I realize I should have walked out a long time ago. I should have stood up for myself and not stood for the abuse. But, I had insecurities and low self-esteem and I believed that divorce was a sin. So, I tried and I tried, but I was the little engine that couldn't. I was depressed with no way out. Until I hit bottom, found a counselor who "got" me and encouraged me not to give up but to figure out what I wanted and go for that. And I did. I got over my fear of divorce. I was encouraged to think that maybe I could get an annulment.
Two plus years ago after a long painful divorce during which every pain that could be inflicted on me was, I started over in this hopeful, happy life with the birth of my un-marriage. Where I sit right now is that I am denied the annulment, but I wasn't planning on getting married again anyway. I tried. The best thing is, I can truly say in my life right now, "Hope Echoes." I have found hope and I am beginning to share it with the world.