Maybe I will go back and try to link this up, but let's see how it goes first. I read about this prompt on Rebecca's The Road Home. The first prompt is--Why do you write?
I have always been a journal keeper, a writer of diaries, a naval gazer, if you will. I write about events in my life and my feelings. But somewhere along the way I discovered that writing helped me to process the feelings and events. I start writing and eventually I start understanding or seeing things differently. God speaks to me often as I write. This discovery happened in the pre-blogging days, and let me add that I still to this day keep a paper journal. Right now I use a line a day journal that I don't have to write very much, but it helps me to mark where I am in time.
I started reading blogs with fascination. I read them for at least 6 months before I jumped in to start my own. I was in a troubled marriage, that had been troubled from the start. I was determined to continue being married. I wanted to be married forever. I wanted marriage more than I wanted to be happy joyous or free (I thought). If I could just change myself enough to make him happy, then my marriage would work.......Crazy, I was insane. But sitting at the computer, trying to be a witness to Christ's love and trying to find the hope and the joy in my present circumstances gave me an outlet from my troubled life. I posted everyday, which is a symptom of the life I was leading. I had endless hours to spend at the computer, because I was married, but I had no one to talk to. I lacked a partner. I had someone I cooked for, cleaned for, shared information with and was criticized by, but no one to talk to about things on my mind. But, on Hope Echoes, I could be the person I dreamed of being. I shared pictures I took and made my life a mini-adventure. I tried to proclaim the gospel with my life. I used words when necessary.
And so the blog went on for a while, just me sharing things, trying not to evoke controversy, to promote good. And then I hit several walls. A pre- cancer diagnosis, a troubled marriage going to intolerable, and finally battling depression and making plans to divorce. I made the blog private for a while. It was obvious to me that my chief reader lived in my house and was gaining information about me, so I took it down, I flat stopped it. I doubted that I would ever put it up agian, but I came to really miss it.
During the divorce, I was cautioned by my attorneys that anything I said could be used against me, so I didn't blog during those times. I faced a lot of difficulties during the divorce including listening to my kind act of helping take down the Christmas tree being characterized as me being crazy and not really wanting the divorce. That and being forced to read a love letter I had written to him while he was on retreat out loud in court, are still areas that I deal with forgiveness. It helps to remember that forgiveness doesn't mean I ever have to forget the evil done to me, I just need to learn not to let it hurt me anymore. And to pray for good for the one who harmed me.
It is hard to blog sometimes now. I feel God's loving care more than I have ever felt. I feel Christ as my partner every day. But, sharing that as a divorced woman is hard. I always wanted to be married, I never wanted to be divorced. I held onto that marriage for so many years because I didn't want to be divorced, didn't want my son to grow up a child of divorce, believed that I had to stay married because Jesus hated divorce. And by God's mercy and through the help of priests and sisters and religious people I was able to come to see and believe that God loved me and didn't choose for me to suffer. That I was making marriage an idol, putting that before the good God wanted for me.
But, when the divorce was finalized, I had a choice, I could forget about blogging or start it up again. I really missed it sometimes, so I decided to start it up. There have been issues. My 96 year old mother got a letter from my ex-spouse which caused upset, and I knew that he knew it was her birthday because I had posted about the celebration on the blog. It disturbed me that the blog could cause that kind of pain in my mom's life. So, I try to be cautious what I post and when. I try to report history rather than anticipate future events.
I really don't have the desire or the time to post daily any more. I do a lot of things with my day even though I am retired. Sometimes working through stuff by writing about it is painful and I avoid it. Sometimes I have nothing much to say. Sometimes I write a post and decide that although I was doing a lot of thinking while I was writing, I am not sure that anyone else would get it, so it stays a draft. I think about whether I would want the person who wishes me the most harm to know the thing I might post about, and I sit on my hands.
Maybe I will try to post more often. I do think a lot and some of it might be worth sharing. It seems like new and better blogs aren't springing up all over the place these days like they used to do. I will ponder what I might have to say and whether it is worth saying it more often. So, perhaps I will jumpstart this blog nad post more often, or perhaps I won't. It remains to be seen.
I have always been a journal keeper, a writer of diaries, a naval gazer, if you will. I write about events in my life and my feelings. But somewhere along the way I discovered that writing helped me to process the feelings and events. I start writing and eventually I start understanding or seeing things differently. God speaks to me often as I write. This discovery happened in the pre-blogging days, and let me add that I still to this day keep a paper journal. Right now I use a line a day journal that I don't have to write very much, but it helps me to mark where I am in time.
I started reading blogs with fascination. I read them for at least 6 months before I jumped in to start my own. I was in a troubled marriage, that had been troubled from the start. I was determined to continue being married. I wanted to be married forever. I wanted marriage more than I wanted to be happy joyous or free (I thought). If I could just change myself enough to make him happy, then my marriage would work.......Crazy, I was insane. But sitting at the computer, trying to be a witness to Christ's love and trying to find the hope and the joy in my present circumstances gave me an outlet from my troubled life. I posted everyday, which is a symptom of the life I was leading. I had endless hours to spend at the computer, because I was married, but I had no one to talk to. I lacked a partner. I had someone I cooked for, cleaned for, shared information with and was criticized by, but no one to talk to about things on my mind. But, on Hope Echoes, I could be the person I dreamed of being. I shared pictures I took and made my life a mini-adventure. I tried to proclaim the gospel with my life. I used words when necessary.
And so the blog went on for a while, just me sharing things, trying not to evoke controversy, to promote good. And then I hit several walls. A pre- cancer diagnosis, a troubled marriage going to intolerable, and finally battling depression and making plans to divorce. I made the blog private for a while. It was obvious to me that my chief reader lived in my house and was gaining information about me, so I took it down, I flat stopped it. I doubted that I would ever put it up agian, but I came to really miss it.
During the divorce, I was cautioned by my attorneys that anything I said could be used against me, so I didn't blog during those times. I faced a lot of difficulties during the divorce including listening to my kind act of helping take down the Christmas tree being characterized as me being crazy and not really wanting the divorce. That and being forced to read a love letter I had written to him while he was on retreat out loud in court, are still areas that I deal with forgiveness. It helps to remember that forgiveness doesn't mean I ever have to forget the evil done to me, I just need to learn not to let it hurt me anymore. And to pray for good for the one who harmed me.
It is hard to blog sometimes now. I feel God's loving care more than I have ever felt. I feel Christ as my partner every day. But, sharing that as a divorced woman is hard. I always wanted to be married, I never wanted to be divorced. I held onto that marriage for so many years because I didn't want to be divorced, didn't want my son to grow up a child of divorce, believed that I had to stay married because Jesus hated divorce. And by God's mercy and through the help of priests and sisters and religious people I was able to come to see and believe that God loved me and didn't choose for me to suffer. That I was making marriage an idol, putting that before the good God wanted for me.
But, when the divorce was finalized, I had a choice, I could forget about blogging or start it up again. I really missed it sometimes, so I decided to start it up. There have been issues. My 96 year old mother got a letter from my ex-spouse which caused upset, and I knew that he knew it was her birthday because I had posted about the celebration on the blog. It disturbed me that the blog could cause that kind of pain in my mom's life. So, I try to be cautious what I post and when. I try to report history rather than anticipate future events.
I really don't have the desire or the time to post daily any more. I do a lot of things with my day even though I am retired. Sometimes working through stuff by writing about it is painful and I avoid it. Sometimes I have nothing much to say. Sometimes I write a post and decide that although I was doing a lot of thinking while I was writing, I am not sure that anyone else would get it, so it stays a draft. I think about whether I would want the person who wishes me the most harm to know the thing I might post about, and I sit on my hands.
Maybe I will try to post more often. I do think a lot and some of it might be worth sharing. It seems like new and better blogs aren't springing up all over the place these days like they used to do. I will ponder what I might have to say and whether it is worth saying it more often. So, perhaps I will jumpstart this blog nad post more often, or perhaps I won't. It remains to be seen.