When I was a little girl the very first thing I knew about myself was that I was Two Ton Tessie. I was fat, fat the water rat. I was built like my grandmas--short and round. I should skip dessert, shouldn't have any treats, and forget about that second helping. In my mind there was no one as fat as I was.
I often heard that my Great Aunt Emma never married because she was too fat. That my other aunt was going to die young because she was too fat. (She was in her 80s.) My dad who carried a some extra weight was teased as being an elephant. My family, especially my mother, was fairly cruel about extra pounds.
Looking back at my childhood photos, perhaps I am in denial, but I don't really think I was fat. I was not a skinny youngster, but I think I was normal sized. In my head though, I was so fat nobody could ever love me. I was often told that I would be an old maid.
I reacted by feeling that it was inevitable. Nobody could ever love me. I could not lose weight unless I would give up all the good things in life. Maybe I was not really obese, but I always carried around a few extra pounds.
In my twenties I took up running, gave up carbs and became thin. That is when my hubby met me. He laughed at my running. He laughed at my low carb diet. But, he asked me to marry him and that outweighed everything else.
Over the years I have gained and lost weight over and over again. I have been compared to a sausage. I have joined Light Weigh, TOPS, Weight Watchers, and an independent group at my church. I am fat right now and I need to lose weight because my feet are giving me trouble and less weight is better. These days there is no denying that I am obese.
But, I am so angry. I wish somebody loved me the way I am, fat or thin. I wish that women weren't objectified and judged for their appearance. I wish that I could wave a magic wand and lose this weight. But, I think about the times when I lost weight and I still thought of myself as Two Ton Tessie and the fattest person in the room.
I have prayed and prayed about this. As nearly as I can understand, I feel that God is teaching me not to judge, even myself. That love of self and love of others is all tied together. The people who said the cruel things to me wanted the best for me, wanted me to improve and be the best I could be. That their choices hurt and wounded, was never their intention. God loves me. Weight is a cross I bear.
The only thing that is really important is this--I am God's beloved daughter. Anyone who doesn't see me that way deserves my prayers, but not my respect for their treatment of me and anyone else who might not be judged as beautiful in the eyes of the world. I need to stop seeing myself as Two Ton Tessie.
(I am using this Advent to exam things about myself that I pray for the grace and strength to change.)
I often heard that my Great Aunt Emma never married because she was too fat. That my other aunt was going to die young because she was too fat. (She was in her 80s.) My dad who carried a some extra weight was teased as being an elephant. My family, especially my mother, was fairly cruel about extra pounds.
Looking back at my childhood photos, perhaps I am in denial, but I don't really think I was fat. I was not a skinny youngster, but I think I was normal sized. In my head though, I was so fat nobody could ever love me. I was often told that I would be an old maid.
I reacted by feeling that it was inevitable. Nobody could ever love me. I could not lose weight unless I would give up all the good things in life. Maybe I was not really obese, but I always carried around a few extra pounds.
In my twenties I took up running, gave up carbs and became thin. That is when my hubby met me. He laughed at my running. He laughed at my low carb diet. But, he asked me to marry him and that outweighed everything else.
Over the years I have gained and lost weight over and over again. I have been compared to a sausage. I have joined Light Weigh, TOPS, Weight Watchers, and an independent group at my church. I am fat right now and I need to lose weight because my feet are giving me trouble and less weight is better. These days there is no denying that I am obese.
But, I am so angry. I wish somebody loved me the way I am, fat or thin. I wish that women weren't objectified and judged for their appearance. I wish that I could wave a magic wand and lose this weight. But, I think about the times when I lost weight and I still thought of myself as Two Ton Tessie and the fattest person in the room.
I have prayed and prayed about this. As nearly as I can understand, I feel that God is teaching me not to judge, even myself. That love of self and love of others is all tied together. The people who said the cruel things to me wanted the best for me, wanted me to improve and be the best I could be. That their choices hurt and wounded, was never their intention. God loves me. Weight is a cross I bear.
The only thing that is really important is this--I am God's beloved daughter. Anyone who doesn't see me that way deserves my prayers, but not my respect for their treatment of me and anyone else who might not be judged as beautiful in the eyes of the world. I need to stop seeing myself as Two Ton Tessie.
(I am using this Advent to exam things about myself that I pray for the grace and strength to change.)