Missing the Good Parts

I have spent way too much time in my life longing.  I longed to be loved, I longed for more children, I longed for more satisfying work, I longed for recognition, I longed for better relationships.  And on and on. I had a sense of want and longing that underlay everything.  I recognize now that part of that was not feeling loved, and not feeling good enough.  I thought I needed something or someone to complete me.

I tried to please people and at the same time do what was right and good and pleasing to God.  I longed to be recognized and rewarded.  I longed for praise.  And in all that longing, I lost myself.  I didn't know who I was or what defined me.  I was like something being blown along by the wind.  I let the opinions of others control me, as though everybody else in the world knew what was best and I knew nothing. And as though everybody else in the world knew God and could tell me who He wanted me to be.

Like most forms of insanity or lies, this fantasy came to a screeching halt.  It was over.  I didn't know who I was or what I wanted.  I didn't know what I should do with my life and I didn't know how to change.  But, I knew I had to change.  The longing had taken over and I couldn't stand my life. I set out on a journey of change.

I may have missed out on some things over the years because I wanted what I didn't have.  I am sure I did.  But, I am trying not to dwell there in that sorrowful, regretful place.  Today, today (not tomorrow) I will have fun and dance and enjoy as much as I can.  I have finally figured out or have relearned something that I used to know, that each day has troubles enough of its own, but each day has a measure of joy and a dose of blessing.

The things I want or desire or long for may happen for me or they may not.  But, this day is set before me to live it.  Tomorrow will take care of itself.