Sometimes I think that I am not very smart about things. I have made a bunch of mistakes in my life. I have zigged when I should have zagged and I should have known better. And I have been told by a bunch of really smart people, some of whom I paid for advice, that "should haves" are never productive and must be done away with. But, I will say that I was smart about one thing. I had my eyes on the prize the whole time. It paid off, for the most part. I put a lot into parenting.
When my son was born, I was not very happy in my less than 2 year old marriage. I had married too quickly without knowing this man I married and had come to find out that most of the things I had thought I knew about him were wrong. But, forever and for all time, this man was my son's father. I decided that I had to try to make a go of it. I can't claim that was easy and I attempted to get it together to leave the marriage many times, but never quite got it together until very recently. I am happy that my son grew up with two parents in the household.
The thing that kept me going, that keeps me going was--I knew that my child was my future. When decisions were to be made for me about nursing homes, elder finances, and care, this child of mine would make them. He would be the father of my grandchildren. He would need a career so that I didn't have to support him or worry about him his whole life. If he was raised well and I was lucky, then perhaps he would get through college in a reasonable amount of time and have a career. If I stayed involved in his life and kept talking to him, he might get through high school without major troubles. If I was an involved parent he would negotiate the teenage years all right. If I was the best parent I could be, he would do okay in elementary school and preschool. I needed to stay on top of things and keep talking to him. I developed not only a mother's love, but a friendship with this child of mine. I had the end goal in mind throughout my parenting years. Produce a kid who was a responsible and loving adult.
Of all the people in the world, I most enjoy talking to my son. I learn things. I understand him. I don't let him walk or run all over me. I like him. I love him. And it all started when he was born and continued through toddlerhood and preschool when he often screamed at me and threw tantrums and destroyed things both accidentally and on purpose. He was a wild man, but he was fun and smart and interesting.
If I could give my son advice, I would tell him to form a friendship, an appreciation with his son and daughter. Remember that they won't always be three, someday they will be twelve and twenty and 41. They will remember the kind of person that you were as a parent and they will carry around hurt and blame for some of the mistakes you made, even if you were a great parent. Let there be a lot of good memories to balance out your mistakes.
And remember, you can take a kid to the potty, but you can't make him pee.